My feelings a year later

This night 2 years ago began the worst 48 hours of my life (and many others) I have never really put into words what I felt in those 48 hours mainly because really I have never been able to find the words to describe it. I will tell you I watched alot of sons of anarchy (which for me was out of the norm) bc I don't like that type of thing, I had many converstaions which were mainly with myself but I got a few laughs out of him. I stayed up for 2 days straight, I prayed that Willie would just fall asleep if it was God's will for him to come home, but then I prayed for God to please intervene,give us one more Christmas, that was Willie's favorite holiday and mine & Keegan's bc we knew every year we would get Bath & Body works baskets, we loved them and he loved giving them to us! Just one more birthday, but that was for my own selfish reasons, because there were many things I hadn't said and wanted to and by this point he wouldn't understand, he just wanted someone to sit with him. I prayed oh how I prayed, but I knew that it was starting to be out of my control, it was much bigger than any human could fix. It was hard seeing such a big strong man who always had something smart to say turn into this very soft spoken man, who made sure he told us several times a day that he loved us. I can't believe that it has been a year since I got a hug which was always a very tight uncomfortable squeeze bc willie was so strong, you would almost cringe bc it hurt, but I miss those hugs, he left us that night and as much as I prayed for him to stay I knew it's what had to be. I just hope that our I love you's were enough and that he knew we were never going to give up on him, I would have sit in the hospital room everyday for the rest of my life if thats what it took, but that wasn't fair to him. It was a long 2 nights, much of it I don't remember which is probably a blessing bc I'm sure it was the most empty feeling I have felt in my life thus far. A year has passed and I've learned alot, I've probably also driven people crazy with my sunscreen speeches but I promise you it's only because I never want to witness that type of despair again, or for anyone else to. I ask that you all will pray for me that I can get up and say the things I want to say without making a mess of it. Sometimes I wish I could put into words the things I saw just so people would understand why I am such a Melanoma advocate but there is something inside me that just won't let it come out...maybe it's best that way, but the one thing I got out of the whole ordeal was never leave anything unsaid bc the things I wanted to say I just couldn't because to me it felt like if I said them that meant I was giving up on him, and I never wanted him to think that! Ill end there and hope that these words help someone else who maybe going through the same thing.